I’ve been in hibernation, at least trying.
The problem is I’m not a bear and this is not an acceptable form of existence among humans, so I’m learning.
They want to know what you’ve been up to and why you haven’t been around. Not to mention that life still goes on. Regardless of whether you want to or not, you can’t climb under the covers and sleep for months- like bears or chipmunks. Lunches, field trips, soccer, ice skating, clean socks… none of these just happen on their own. The life of a wife and mother is laden with tasks and obstacles that make hibernation impossible, as hard as you may try.
Hence, the reason I have taken refuge in the cyber world. I can have space and be cerebral and withdrawn and still have amazing connections outside of these 4 walls. It is a match made in heaven, at least for now.
Thanks for bearing with me. I haven’t felt much like myself and have used lots of fillers to mask my inner turmoil. It’s so much easier sometimes to pretend that all is well.
Truth is, it’s not. But for the life of me I can’t figure out what exactly is wrong. I’m just not my old self and not sure when I’m coming back. Or if the old me ever will.
At one point in my life I remember exuding such excitement I could barely contain it. When you’re young and are just starting down that road of life you are filled with such hope and anticipation… college, marriage, first home, the birth of your children, parenthood, job promotions, etc. Sure, there are setbacks, but there is also much to look forward to as you forge your way through your 20s.
Fast forward to late 30s.
I still feel 20, but when I look in the mirror my face doesn’t seem to match how I feel. Who is that person looking back at me? And where have the years gone? What have I done to show for my life?
I’m not sure exactly when it happened- perhaps it was just such a gradual process I didn’t really notice- but one day I realized that things that once brought joy and happiness had lost their allure. I seem to have misplaced my zeal for life.
And now I’m on pause in this strange place trying to figure out who I am and how I got here. Nothing seems to make since. I feel so out of control of my life as I attempt to come to terms with the harsh realities of adulthood. I was under the false assumption that if I followed the rules and did everything I was told that I would have a happily ever after.
Turns out it’s not enough to just be a good person. This has in turn made me question every decision I have made to this point in my life including my religion, as I realize that so many choices I’ve made have been out of obligations and fear. It’s a strange place to be when you become aware that everything that you’ve thought to be true your entire life may in fact not be.
So, I’ve retreated inside myself. I’m tuning out the world and listening to only the voice I hear in my head in an attempt to find myself again, whoever that person is.
It has been a vitally important wakeup call for me. I do not want to live in this state of unhappiness forever. So, I’ve been making tough choices and learning more about me and what exactly makes me tick, trying to reconnect with that lost child within.
And hopefully I will come out of it a better person than I was before.