3 hours ago I was in a fetal position crying my eyes out like a baby. And longing to go back to those carefree days void of responsibilities and heavy burdens.
2 hours ago I just wanted to scream any and every profane word in any language known to mankind.
Now at this very moment as I sit to write I am void of all emotion. It has all been siphoned out of me and my brain appears to be misfiring. And is all sorts of messy.
You see, 2 days ago was supposed to be the end. The end of worry and fear. The end of stress and anxiety. The end of this never ending nightmare that has consumed our lives for the better part of 4 years now. And what has seemed like an eternity.
One bad decision at the exact wrong time will change your existence indefinitely and possibly alter your thinking forever.
This is all too reminiscent of my post written May 17th. You may remember when my husband declared, "You are Not Becoming" due to a swear word or two that may have slipped out in a weak moment of extreme frustration.
That was after the 2nd buyer walked. Here's an excerpt from that post:
We are by definition conservative. You know, the people who have college funds and a 401K, pay all our bills on time, have a 800+ credit score, who never take risks, and by all means don’t buy a house as an investment.
But we did. We took a risk for once in our lives. And never in our wildest dreams would we have foreseen all of this. Hindsight, right? Due to a series of bad decisions by politicians and bankers our economy is in a recession, hanging on by a thread. If you think it is getting better, go tell that to the appraisers in Utah. In the last 9 months we have waited for this short sale to be processed our home has decreased in value another 10%.
Today our buyers walked. There are better homes at better prices right down the road.
So, yes. I may have cursed. Who wouldn’t? These are expressive words that need to be used at times to properly and adequately convey our emotions. Who wants to keep all that bottled up inside anyways? Well, I for one don’t. And I don’t appreciate being judged. So, I'm "unbecoming" today. There are worse things.
I would love nothing more than to be rid of this weight that has been burdening me for way too long. This has been going on for several years now... everything from trying to sell out of state, to lease option flops, to renting nightmares, to refi attempts, to loan modification rejections, to a never ending short sale. And it is not over yet.
Today our 3rd buyer that was already approved by the bank and was supposed to close 2 days ago walked because he couldn't get financing. He was 25 points short on his credit score, so we're told.
We have tried every step of the way to do everything right. We didn't want to be "those people" that gave up on a house. It is OUR responsibility. We tried to sell it without success for 9 months. Then we worked night and day to get tenants. We were losing $800+ per month (after lease payments) and couldn't seem to find any good tenants. After going through 3 different families and thousands of phone calls we finally realized it was a losing battle. We researched and explored alternative options. I lost sleep, trolled the internet at all hours of the day and night, and wrote letter after letter. But after being denied for both a refi and loan modification, we were out $50,000 on this house with no end in sight. The development was ridden with bank owned homes, only bringing our property value down by the day. Our HOA was sending us letters and fines on a regular basis and the fact that the home is located in Utah only further complicated matters.
So we did what any sane person would have done-- we hired a realtor to do a short sale. Then it took our bank 11 months to approve it. ELEVEN!! (Even though it is clearly stated in black and white print in their handbook that it is a 60 day process.) Since we started the process (well over a year ago now) we have had 3 buyers walk and our property value has plummeted to $100,000+ below market value.
If the short sale doesn't pan out we are faced with foreclosure which has much more dire consequences, being how upside down we are.
This truly is a nightmare. One that I can't wake up from as hard as I try. And I'm beginning to fear that it is all just one big conspiracy.
And if there is some greater lesson that we were to have learned from all this, I am convinced that we have extracted every possible one. It's time. Time to put us out of our misery already. Time to move on.
For those of you who are joining me on my project smile, I apologize for being a bad example of smiles at the moment.
Life happens. And today called for a good old fashioned, hearty cry.
Not to worry. I'm a fighter, much to hub's chagrin. I will kick and scream and make all sorts of noise until this is DONE and OVER. And I will bounce back. I promise.
I'm off to find my smile.